friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I hope it’s French Onion!
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.