Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
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God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
had to share :’)
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter