I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
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Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
You have been warned.
This is my cat’s medicine.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”