“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
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*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!