Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
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Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Hey I worked for it too!
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.