I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
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Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Can’t. About to go please some beans
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Jesus Christ lmao
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off