Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
God has abandoned us.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi