In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan