A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
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Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I told my vodka about you.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket