The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
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DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.