Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
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why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Oops I deleted….
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened