Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Smile they said.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation