A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
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Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.