you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
A fake ID that makes you younger
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.