9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
The pen is writier than the sword.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.