*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*