This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.