If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
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My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.