My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
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Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
This makes total sense…
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees