I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
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What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My flabber has been gasted.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Damn what did I do next
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.