Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I know this now 😂
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.