This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
You Might Also Like
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
can’t catch a break
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?