Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
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7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?