date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
You Might Also Like
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.