[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Oh we’ve met.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Yes, this is exactly right