Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste