I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?