Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.