My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
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whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
boat question
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
every single time