[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to