Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
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Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
File under excellent bookstore names.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.