[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
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anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I think the cat got the dog high.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
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[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually