Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
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I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos