[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight