I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
You Might Also Like
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.