Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
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Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.