Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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[loses house key, starts a new life]
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
The dark side of Canada
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute