You Might Also Like
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*