[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
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My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I’m calling the cops.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.