My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.