Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?