Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
You Might Also Like
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
bought wrong eggs
just gave your address to some spiders
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.