I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
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“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
how to have fun when you’re poor
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends