I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
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I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Heroic Misunderstanding
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.