Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.