Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
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Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control