Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Bed should get ready for ME
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.