HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
This is I, Robot all over again
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
honestly, i need both:
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.