Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
You Might Also Like
finally found a reasonable question
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.