Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
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*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner